Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

When you can’t find your friend Neil

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

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