*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
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listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh