Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?