Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

😂

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?