Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeet

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

It’s on my to-do list.

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose