Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

how do y’all walk in shallow water

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

What if the weather talks about us?

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

☠️ ☠️

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”