[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
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I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
new wife guy just dropped
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
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Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
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Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
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I have never heard an armadillo before.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
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