@dave_cactus

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

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@qwertygirl

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

@envydatropic

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

@Pmerrily

I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong

@dmc1138

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

@Browtweaten

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

@david8hughes

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

@HairyJew4Life

Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.

@LosLos__

Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

~A parenting haiku.