People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
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My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?
When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.
Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
~A parenting haiku.