Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that