Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

Finally, an explanation.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”