Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

i would wish you the best but i am the best

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.