I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Huge, if true.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.