I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
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Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members