I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
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“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Left at a local drug store…
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone