I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
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People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
So, can we agree on 4 or
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.