Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

relationship goals

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!