Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.