I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
So glad we cleared that up
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
