I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
