I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
