I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
You Might Also Like
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever