Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

I love it all

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.