Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?