Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

that wasn’t the question

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world: