Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

Body by Oreos

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Has there ever been a more American story?

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

I know this now 😂

💻🤡