Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

Pringles

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.