Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

Happy Halloween 🎃

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…