I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
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[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up