i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
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her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’