i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
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My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.