Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

A ghost story

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching