Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.