I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
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How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
#merica
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here