I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
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you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Tier 3 meme
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
One of the best
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”