Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.