Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

Its a hippotatomus

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?