Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

Quadruple digit IQ

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.