Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?