I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
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ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*