I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
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When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.