I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
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We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
“What?”
– Jude
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
My first child will be named New Folder.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
My favorite female superhero
This will never not be funny 😭
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!