I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
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[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I just love that new Pope smell.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.