Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.