Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”