I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
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friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
this is the kind of friend i am
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
