Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

If you had more money you’d be happier.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*