I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir