Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

How all things should be taught/explained.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…