Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

No. He’s not coming out to play

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

Cndnsd Mlk

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.