Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Roses are red
Violets are blue

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.