Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

Winnipeg!!

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

An odd boast

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

time machine? you mean a clock?

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.