I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
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Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.