Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.