Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

I put the p in pants.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?