Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Follow me for more life hacks.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.