Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

So many pants.
So little yoga.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god