Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.