Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.