I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
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Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.