I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
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Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it