Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?