I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
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I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Any refunds available?…
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.