I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
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6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Well. That’s not a good sign.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.