I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

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accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening


“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”


Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.


ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.


Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that’s why I’ll never give Jesus my real phone number.


YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you


Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.


Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!


And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.


A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.


Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations