ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
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Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is