I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
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summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.