I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
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I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.