I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
You Might Also Like
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
A Short Story.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”