I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
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Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]