I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
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The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
What the hell happened here.
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