Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

I think they could have phrased this better

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips