Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

so weird how every mom was born today

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.