Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical