I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
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[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
is it earth
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them