Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

My Guy

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.