Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie