I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
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When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
This checks out
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.