Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
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I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT