Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

Oh thanks BBC.

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work