I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
You Might Also Like
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.