Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

I’m hunting wabbits…

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have